We started The Circle Maker yesterday at small group.
I read the first 4 chapters prior to our meeting and although I was skeptical at first, I really enjoyed the session and as I read more, I was in awe.
I was struggling to think about what prayer circles I should include in my life while reading at home as well as in group. However, after speaking with my prayer partner, we discussed the theme "feeling under qualified and overwhelmed" which identified items in each of our lives.
Mine?
MOTHERHOOD.
I still struggled a bit last night with wondering what I may include over the next 4 weeks, but I figured asking for prayers on this journey of motherhood can't hurt! That's almost a GUARANTEED NEED in my life!
So tonight, as I absolutely lost my marbles on the couch after dinner and discussing some situations involving the care of my little guy...I had an "ah-ha" moment.
Yes, Dear Lord, I need help. And prayer.
Today I wondered why in the world I was struggling. Thinking maybe I'm just not qualified for this whole mothering thing. There's no way possible I'll ever be successfully able to raise a high-functioning, heck-normal functioning child. I have serious insecurity and doubt issues and single parenting does nothing but compound each.
You see, I'm the sole provider. Which means? Every single hour of work counts.
It also means I work weekends. And finding care for that time has been quite easy until recently where moments come up and I just don't know how to pull it off other than strapping an iPad to my medication cart and configuring a way to bring my toddler along at work.
There's no wiggle room in the budget for an additional babysitter for his weekends sans-mom.
There's no affordable way for me to work Monday-Friday.
It would involve a pay cut, no holidays, no overtime, and no shift differential pay.
So for now, I have panic attacks, nights of tears, and frantic phone calls that usually end in IT ALL WORKING OUT. Thankful to Our Lord above and my rock of a support system.
Prayer circles :)
Tonight as tears streamed down my face just wondering how in the world I can take care of this tiny human being and do it right. Just struggling to be barely enough for him and knowing I can't possibly be...I filled the bathtub with water and bubbles while Greyson went potty.
And it dawned on me, I'm not enough. But HE is. He's the one who steps in when we're overwhelmed and under qualified, he's the miracle maker, he's the all powerful, wonderful, Savior.
And he's merciful and gives me SO MUCH Grace.
At that moment, Greyson looked up out of the bathtub, giggled at me and said something to the accord of "MOM! Look, I'm touching my {family-ahem-jewels}"
Although he calls them by the textbook name.
And he also has difficulty pronouncing that correctly.
So it's kind of a mix between statistics-and-icicles.
And I giggled too, while thinking of a way to inform him that is not appropriate and should be done privately. Oh, boy. I've got my work cut out for me!