Relationship Woes.

Sometimes I wish I could hit myself upside the head with a brick.

Maybe then I'd see the error of my ways.

Hindsight IS 20/20 they say.

So, I know I have what you would call "Daddy Issues". I've seen counselors throughout my life, I've been jealous of friends who were always "Daddy's Little Girl". My sister and I have had knock-down, drag-out arguments over my dad and his actions.

Let's just say there's a strong history of alcoholism, and a not so strong history of good parenting on my dad's side of the family. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows HOW to be a dad. I seriously do. That's probably horrible of me to say, but it's also a semi-coping mechanism. We don't really see eye-to-eye, and we definitely don't have a close relationship. 

My dad's not the kind that calls to check on you.

Or tells you how beautiful you look (in your normal every day clothes)

Or how proud he is of you (for busting your ass as a single mom)

Or who attended all your school functions (totally went to a Jimmy Buffet concert instead of my middle school graduation...yes, I'm still scarred)

Enough about that...this post really shouldn't be about bashing my dad.

It's just, he's not who I've longed for and wanted.

He's not the story book, TV show dad. 

He's my dad, and I'm thankful for him...BUT I've got issues.

Self worth. In the TOILET.

So the latest guy I dated turned out to be a dud. Surprise, surprise.

But I find myself in this whole missing him, wanting him back, knowing it's wrong for me, knowing he'll hurt me, knowing I should be treated better cycle.

I do it all the time.

So if I don't change? I'll keep getting these piss-poor results.

But HOW do you change this habit. 

It's awful. 

I'm pretty sure I just crave the affection from men and seek it.

I pray and pray and pray.

I cry and cry and cry.

I vent to my best friend.

And yet I've still never learned to stop!

I figure maybe if I write out how I'm feeling right now I can get on the path to a healthier relationship and lifestyle. One where I feel like it's serving ME. Where I feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and respected. But I'm pretty sure I've got to stop accepting what I feel is "good enough" and start expecting what is TRUE. REAL. And worth my time.

I'm so frustrated with myself. It's like I go through this cycle of 

YAY he's talking to me and I think this is good

TO

Oh, again. He's dropped off the face of the earth. Or he's using me. Or he's avoiding me.

Here's to happiness in the future!