Motherhood

We started The Circle Maker yesterday at small group.

I read the first 4 chapters prior to our meeting and although I was skeptical at first, I really enjoyed the session and as I read more, I was in awe.

I was struggling to think about what prayer circles I should include in my life while reading at home as well as in group. However, after speaking with my prayer partner, we discussed the theme "feeling under qualified and overwhelmed" which identified items in each of our lives.

Mine?

MOTHERHOOD.

I still struggled a bit last night with wondering what I may include over the next 4 weeks, but I figured asking for prayers on this journey of motherhood can't hurt! That's almost a GUARANTEED NEED in my life!

So tonight, as I absolutely lost my marbles on the couch after dinner and discussing some situations involving the care of my little guy...I had an "ah-ha" moment.

Yes, Dear Lord, I need help. And prayer.

Today I wondered why in the world I was struggling. Thinking maybe I'm just not qualified for this whole mothering thing. There's no way possible I'll ever be successfully able to raise a high-functioning, heck-normal functioning child. I have serious insecurity and doubt issues and single parenting does nothing but compound each.

You see, I'm the sole provider. Which means? Every single hour of work counts.

It also means I work weekends. And finding care for that time has been quite easy until recently where moments come up and I just don't know how to pull it off other than strapping an iPad to my medication cart and configuring a way to bring my toddler along at work. 

There's no wiggle room in the budget for an additional babysitter for his weekends sans-mom.

There's no affordable way for me to work Monday-Friday.

It would involve a pay cut, no holidays, no overtime, and no shift differential pay.

So for now, I have panic attacks, nights of tears, and frantic phone calls that usually end in IT ALL WORKING OUT. Thankful to Our Lord above and my rock of a support system.  

Prayer circles :)

Tonight as tears streamed down my face just wondering how in the world I can take care of this tiny human being and do it right. Just struggling to be barely enough for him and knowing I can't possibly be...I filled the bathtub with water and bubbles while Greyson went potty.

And it dawned on me, I'm not enough. But HE is. He's the one who steps in when we're overwhelmed and under qualified, he's the miracle maker, he's the all powerful, wonderful, Savior.

And he's merciful and gives me SO MUCH Grace.

At that moment, Greyson looked up out of the bathtub, giggled at me and said something to the accord of "MOM! Look, I'm touching my {family-ahem-jewels}"

Although he calls them by the textbook name.

And he also has difficulty pronouncing that correctly.

So it's kind of a mix between statistics-and-icicles.

And I giggled too, while thinking of a way to inform him that is not appropriate and should be done privately. Oh, boy. I've got my work cut out for me!

RUN MAMA RUN!

December 10, 2012 I started a journey I really didn't think I'd ever succeed in.

Laura and I decided we'd train for a 5K. 

Use the Couch To 5K training program...and get in shape.

Now, 1.5 years later I'd like to call myself a "runner".

And some days I wonder if I've turned into a gym rat.

So we started this thing back in December 2012. We'd run/walk/run, with the jogging stroller, some pandora playing on our iPhones and just get it going around my mom's neighborhood or hers. Occasionally we'd hit the trails at the park, but we had a nice system going with flat road and it worked.

Until we all got the flu. Greyson had pneumonia. And I think Jacob had bronchitis.

Oh, and Laura's ear drum burst so she couldn't hear for a good 3 weeks.

GOOD TIMES!

But we stuck to our plan. We joined the gym in the middle of February 2013 and things drastically changed. We could run, longer, without getting sick, or cold. Or pushing a jogging stroller. BRILLIANT!

We pushed onward and soon were running 20 minutes straight LIKE A BOSS.

Then one day, Laura dragged me to a Sh'bam class.

It's part of the Les Mills program...a mix of latin and hip-hop dance. 

We settled into a groove of running our plan 3x a week along with Couch To 5K. Stayed on a few weeks longer than others, but still stayed on target for our RACE!

We ran the Color Me RAD 5K 

April 20, 2013

We averaged a less than 14 minute mile and ran the ENTIRE thing.

It was amazing, and our families were all waiting at the finish line to greet our newly tie-dyed selves and CELEBRATE.

I had the bright idea we'd run a MUD run next.

My aunt, cousins, and sister had participated in the Dominion Riverrrock FILTHY 5K in 2012 and it looked like SO MUCH FUN.

Laura, being the pea that she is...went along with my plan.

On May 17, 2013 we set out to Brown's Island. In the heat. And "ran" the 5K.

There was beer at the end. And we ran quite a bit, but the trails were treacherous with the joggers who brought along dogs, and the whole running into the James River thing was a little umm...MESSY. But we finished, climbing through the mud to again meet our favorite spectators at the FINISH LINE. 

The summer brought about heat that was too much for considering any races, and so we just went to the gym and alternated classes, an occasional run, and we found some new things to do.

Laura "dragged" me to BODY PUMP and I was quickly hooked. 

And couldn't walk. But that's only a small side effect. 

We tried out Body Flow (my personal favorite...Yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi)

Body Step (aka the DEVIL)

And this winter we added CROSS TRAINING & CYCLE (The devil's twin sisters)

It's been quite a road but we've settled into our groove and I'd like to say...we've

 COME A LONG WAY.

Back in December we couldn't run a minute without feeling like we were dying.

In November I ran the 8K without my partner in crime (she had to work)

BUT I FINISHED! The WHOLE THING! ALL 5 MILES!

And it felt amazing.

So it was time to cross my major bucket list item off. 

RUN THE MONUMENT 10K.

And yesterday? WE DID IT!

We ran, all 6.2 miles. Without training (oops!)

LIKE A BOSS!

I'm so grateful for the friendship God has provided me with this girl. She is my pea, my sister, my rock, my best friend, my security blanket, my wake-up-call. I'm able to lean on her for support in any situation, no matter how trivial or how BIG it is, she's there. 100%. We pulled each other through on days where working out just didn't sound good. Where we'd rather eat a cupcake than run a mile, or when we knew we needed to get off our butts and hit up Sh'bam class. She's inspired me to keep going, to push through the pain, and to persevere. We dragged each other across that finish line, hand-in-hand, step-by-step yesterday and it's just another race we've completed. This journey to get healthy has been a long one, and it'll probably never end. But OPERATION HOT MAMA is our thing. And we're rocking it. Every work out. Every time we throw on our polar watches and get out there. I'm so glad to have someone there to push me along and to hold me accountable, so that I can be a better person. A healthier person. And a happier person. 

I never thought I'd ever say..."I need to go for a run"

A Tale of a Whale...

Today I'm doing something completely out of my comfort zone and writing what I've learned in my She Reads Truth study lately. I LOVE this daily time in the Word and I am so thankful for these AMAZING ladies who pour their hearts and souls into something that has become my daily routine, and one I deeply cherish. Go, check it out. They are amazing and they provide a wonderful resource for Christian women in today's society. 

"Jonah, Jonah, Jonah Jonah Jonah..."

I sing it every time someone speaks of Jonah, the "big fish", the whale, and Ninevah.

As a child our church youth always performed 2 musicals a year, one Christmas themed as well as a spring musical of our {read: music director's} choosing. 

One year, we performed this one. The story and the songs were catchy, and we actually performed it again when we were all teenagers. You see, I grew up with the same kids for the most part and we really enjoyed the "Oh, Jonah: revisited" if you will. 

BUT. I don't think I ever retained anything from these musicals. The scriptures and messages escaped me. Sure, I got the gist...I related the stories. But as an adult I'm truly able to grasp the lessons these stories were trying to teach us as children. Funny how perspective changes!

I always joke I gain more from reading Greyson's Bible stories than he does...I always look back and have an "ah-ha" moment.

Jonah RAN. He straight up said, "Umm...NO!"

How many of us have felt that tugging? That "gut feeling"? Or that calling, the Holy Spirit nudging us along.  I know I've gone the wrong way several times in life. And I'm pretty sure that's evidenced by some of the situations I've managed to get myself into. However, God always takes these opportunities to wake me up and perhaps use my mistakes as a "teaching moment".

And I think that is EXACTLY what he did when he sent the storm.

I kind of parallel that to the "storms" in my life. 

Hindsight is 20/20. And I see where I've veered and slipped up and just completely denied what I was supposed to be doing. And I can clearly see those moment where I LISTENED and followed, and it brought me much delight to serve the Lord. 

Every day I am in awe of the plans he has for us. I'm more and more aware of the timeline in my life that he has laid out and the GRACE he gives me as I stumble along, sometimes forgetting to put my little hand in his BIG hand and let him guide me along the way. 

As in verse 6 where Jonah prayed "...But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God"

I also empathize with Jonah. Where sometimes I jump up on my high-and-mighty pedestal and think..."WHY?! They don't DESERVE that!" As he felt when God had mercy on the people of Ninevah. What Jonah didn't see in that time was that God had shown him incredible mercy as well.

I think it's easy for us to get "caught up" in our own lives and in the day-to-day hustle and bustle and some how believe it's all about us. Something was said in one of our recent studies about how it's natural for our sinner's heart to be SELFISH and we have to make sure we're aware.

I completely relate with Jonah, and I find myself asking why sometimes. And then I feel that little tap on my shoulder that says..."well, I forgave you honey" and it's true.

We are never too far gone for OUR GOD. And that, ladies, is AMAZING.

As I look back remembering how fun I thought it was to be able to put on a feather boa and some 1990's cool sun shades and pretend to be a sinner in Ninevah.  I wonder how that little girl would feel knowing what she knows now about the story of Jonah.

Thank you Lord, for your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness in our lives. Although sometimes I may deny your calling, I am thankful that you PURSUE me and fight for me even when I'm running away. Your persistence and love for me is overwhelming. Please help me to recognize your calling and guide me along the path I am intended to take, following your call and guidance Oh Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen!

Notes from Nana

When my grandmother passed away this summer, I spent a night at her house with my mom and her sisters. While they cleaned out her house, I helped...but I found myself in the recliner with her Bible.

I spent HOURS reading her little notes and comments.

I even took a few pictures to save for reference.

It was so AWESOME.

She not only took notes, but she dated her comments and wrote where her mind changed or she saw a different perspective...it was quite inspiring!

Today I pulled out one of the books I snagged from her house and found this little card inside...

(I'm pretty sure she typed this up on her own after gathering the tidbits)

"Jesus said the greatest commandment is:

Love the Lord, your God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself.

MOTHER TERESA'S BUSINESS CARD

The fruit of silence is

PRAYER

The fruit of prayer is

FAITH

The fruit of prayer is

LOVE

The fruit of faith is

SERVICE

The fruit of service is 

PEACE

Florence Nightingale said:

'Draw near to God, not by rites and ceremonies but by inward disposition...simply do the thing that is good in itself.'"

Just some thoughts for this rainy, cold Monday! 

Friends, Donuts, and Dying...

I took Greyson out for donuts one morning last week before school.

I had coffee, he had milk. He had a donut, I had a box of munchkins.

Seems fair, right?

After we sat there for a bit, one of my best friends from Nursing School walked in.

We haven't seen each other in over a year, so it was great to randomly catch up! 

I'm sure if she didn't have somewhere to be and if I had been alone we could have talked for HOURS. There's so much to catch up on!

Our conversation brought up some emotions I've been feeling lately, and I was so glad for the reminder, as well as a feeling of camaraderie!

FIRST...friendships after motherhood

You know, when you're single you've got plenty of time for phone calls and drinks after work, and weekend road trips to see out-of-town besties. When you're in college you can catch up over coffee between classes or before you knock out a study session. But as a working mom (and most of my friends are wives as well) it is SO hard to maintain friendships. Or what we've grown to know as friendships.  What I've realized lately is that I still have several great friends who are only a phone call or coffee meet-up away. Although we may not be caught up on the current goings-on in each other's lives...our annual or bi-annual meet-ups are full of connecting and picking up right where we left off.  Can I just say how THANKFUL I am that God has blessed me with such friendships.

Many days I don't see myself as having many friends, or having a strong "social circle".  I do believe some of that is just me interpreting the lives of those I see around me into something that isn't true...but STILL. I've had feelings of jealousy over other's "Girls Groups" or friends who seem to balance their lives and maintain friendships where they catch up regularly, send cards, gifts, etc.

I just don't have it all together...BUT I do have some amazing girlfriends, even if we do have to catch up when we run into each other in town in our slept-in make up...dropping our kids off late to school. It's just this SEASON of life :)

SECONDLY...life as a nurse.

It was SO good to compare stories of workplace drama, scheduling nightmares, and patient loads. 

We first met in nursing school, and I'm a firm believer that our clinical group of 10 or so will ALWAYS know each other way more intimately than we ever desired to.

When you spend classes performing mock-exams on each other, and many hours studying for ridiculous quizzes and Skype-like meetings on weekends, after HOURS in clinicals and classes all week...you just KNOW each other. I cherish those memories, we all became nurses together. Through our first c-dif patient, to that scary day we walked in and realized we all had patient's on contact precautions...who needed their medications via PEG tube.

NIGHTMARE city!

Or that day our preceptors refused to have nursing students and we spent our day looking up medications and writing out drug charts (of medications I STILL look up!)

We've all moved on to careers in different specialties, but one thing is the same...We're NURSES. 

We share a bond through our profession that sometimes I think I'm walking through alone.

Don't get me wrong...I have amazing co-workers. But several of them have been doing this thing for years. Others have worked in different backgrounds or specialties before joining my ward. Or simply, they have their Master's Degree and I'm a lowly little Associate's Degree, diploma toting nurse. 

Talking with Megan made me realize that some days this profession is not all I dreamed it to be.

We NEVER anticipated the emotional component that is carried with us wherever we go, where some days we feel like happiness is non-existent, where we look at non-nurse friends like they are crazy when they complain. Because sometimes being a nurse makes you jaded.

You're faced with hardship ALL day long. So when you're friend complains about their husband's 12 hour work days and a long day with their kids, or how they have no money when they have a fresh manicure and food in the refrigerator...you want to smack them.

Or how you realize you know what it looks like when someone's about to die.

Or you can smell a diagnosis faster than the doctor can assess it.

Or how some days feel like you wipe butts and argue with doctors and run in circles.

Or how your job is your life, even when you walk out of the double doors, it chases you home.

It's normal. Somewhat. And I'm glad to know someone I started all this with has the same struggles and emotions that I do some days. It's just part of being a nurse, I suppose.

God knows, deep down in my heart I LOVE BEING A NURSE.

But somedays? I feel jaded. And grumpy. 

And I can usually snap myself out of it :) But now I know who else to call to vent! 

SUYL: What I'm Reading

Today I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner.

As one of my New Years Resolutions, I resolved to getting back into reading.

FOR ME. I kind of left that all behind when I was pregnant in combination with nursing school.

But I love books, and reading, and learning.

So in 2014 my goal is to read 12 books.

So far, I'm going good!

First: Chasing God by Angie Smith

LOVE LOVE LOVE. 

This was beautiful. Amazing. Inspiring. and SO REAL to me!

Second: Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle

Motherhood is so crazy. Especially with a toddler. I giggled through this book! Quick and easy read...and SO REAL for mothers!

Third: The Antelope in the Living Room by Melanie Shankle

After reading her first book I was hooked. Just so happens, her second book came out a few days later...so I read it too! I'm not married, but I have been engaged and shared a child with someone...let's just say I could relate. I giggled and laughed and thanked God for being single at moments! LOL

Currently?

I'm reading A Confident Heart by Renee Swope and I LOVE it. It's not a terribly fast read because it is definitely heavy at times, but I so relate to this book and its premise.  I needed to read this book in this season of my life and I highly recommend what I've read so far.

I'm also reading Heaven is For Real by Lynn Vincent and Todd Burpo after several recommendations, and I'm also thoroughly enjoying it.

I have a Nook and I'm also an iBook addict. I just started a free trial with Audible on Amazon and I'm hoping to listen to some books on my drive to and from work...first up? What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  Chasing God was so inspiring and moving to me, I'm hoping this book will be as well! I just love her!

On my list?

Feathers From My Nest by Beth Moore

Desperate by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson

I'm also preparing to go back to school for my Bachelor's Degree soon, and in order to do that I need to take statistics this summer. If you know me, you know I HATE MATH. 

So this book and I have some catching up to do...because I will ace this crap and get it over with if my life depends on it!

Nursing School...Again!

This evening I'll be submitting an essay.

This essay determines my future.

I'm applying to nursing school in order to obtain my Bachelor's Degree...

HERE GOES NOTHING!

We all have titles that we take on throughout our lives, these titles describe who we are, but depending on who you talk to, each of us can carry many different identities and roles in the lives of those around us. To many I am a nurse, to others I am a friend, to some I am a family member, and to one I am a mom. As I embark on a new journey in obtaining my bachelor's degree in Nursing, I was influenced by each.  I come from a family of VCU Rams and I'm a "Richmonder" born and raised, so when looking at schools VCU was an obvious selection.  As a mom, I'm the sole provider in our family of two and finding a program suitable to raising my child as well as providing for him is key.  As a friend, I lean on my co-workers who happen to be friends for their knowledge of continuing education programs and trust their recommendations. And lastly, as a nurse, I want to advance in my practice. 

As a young girl I was influenced by my grandmother, with whom I spent a great deal of time.  She was a Registered Nurse, graduate of a diploma program, and raised 3 young girls as a single mother.  She had quite a diverse nursing career with experience in specialties such as geriatric care, hospice volunteering, cardiac surgery, and even a Tuberculosis Sanitorium.  She shared many stories with me over the years, but I believe what I noticed most was her compassion for others combined with a dedication to always providing the best clinical practice. As a retired nurse she continued to read nursing journals and regularly had a copy of the latest Mayo Clinic article on hand.  

I had a desire to follow in her footsteps shortly after my dream of becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist fell through.  As a child of a divorced home I quickly learned that paying for my education was in my hands, and I needed a plan to avoid accumulating several student loans.  After discovering that a Bachelor’s degree in Speech-Language Pathology was essentially useless without a Master’s degree I decided to re-evaluate my plans and returned home to pursue an Associates Degree in Nursing.

After achieving my goal and graduating from  Community College in the winter of 2009, I decided to spend some time raising my son, and life handed me yet another twist when I encountered some issues in my home life.  My son’s father sent us on a roller coaster after developing a serious addiction and emptying out all of our financial reserves.  I scrambled to pick up the pieces and ensure the safety of my then 13 month old.  After several attempts at securing a job as a Registered Nurse, I finally walked through the doors of the VA Medical Center on October 24, 2011.  I never looked back.

I am fortunate enough to work for a wonderful organization, the Department of Veteran's Affairs. I spend my days as a Spinal Cord Injury and Rehabilitation Nurse, taking care of America's heroes who frequently can no longer care for themselves. My job is equally rewarding and entertaining, some days are full of life lessons and war stories, where others are spent holding hands and crying tears with those who I've grown to know and love.  I have developed a special language and sense of humor, as well as a skill set which involves handling traumatic brain injuries and recognizing the grief that comes with loss of function.  

I have a strong faith that God led me on my path and I am right where I need to be.  I absolutely love my job and the patients I am blessed to serve.  I never know what I’ll learn when I walk in the door each day, but I leave every afternoon with something MORE.  I’ve learned about new technologies, new medications, and I’ve even picked up a few dirty jokes from some special veterans.  Each day requires a sense of humor, professionalism, compassion, in addition to my nursing knowledge and judgment.  I could have never imagined how fulfilling a job like mine could be, but I am so lucky to serve our Nation’s heroes.  They truly are a different population. 

However content I am, I continue to yearn for something more in life, and hope to provide more to the community I serve.  In pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in Nursing, I hope to gain the knowledge and experience necessary to advance my career.  I have an ultimate goal of becoming a wound, ostomy, and continence nurse in the future, as wound care is a passion of mine.  I have seen various wound treatment modalities and complications throughout my short practice. My current unit specializes in the care of pressure ulcers in the paraplegic and quadriplegic populations.  I have attended several conferences on wound healing, and I regularly participate in in-services and teaching opportunities for fellow staff members, including yearly competency reviews.  

I hope to attend VCU's Bachelor's in Nursing program in order to advance my skills and become a better nurse. By doing so I could become a greater asset to my team as well as present accurate data for my superiors and some of the professional organizations with which I am associated. I'm looking forward to continuing the legacy and becoming a RAM!

Facebook is Fired

I'm breaking up with Facebook.

No really. So I considered "giving up" Facebook as my New Year's Resolution.

Then I chickened out.

Then I said I'd "give it up" for Lent.

I've never really considered giving up anything for Lent...I was raised in a United Methodist Church and we rarely focusing on the tradition associated with giving things up during Lent. 

More and more, I thought about it. And the more and more I realized I needed to do this.

It's more about me than it is Facebook.

But I realize that social media can be used in any way we'd like to, and right now it's not serving me or serving anyone else in the way I'm using it...especially those who are close to me.

I'm ADDICTED.

I seriously crave checking it. So I deleted the app off my phone, but I still waste hours on the iPad or on my laptop. It's ridiculous.  

So, as a reflection on my own issues and realizing that I had a problem I needed to address, I'm getting it all in and then I'm taking a SERIOUS look at myself.  

Hopefully I'll be able to practice better self-control and translate into other aspects of my life as well.

I can almost guarantee I'll be happier. After the initial shock wears off.

You see, our social media habits also breed depression and anxiety and serious self-image problems.

Seeing only the positive aspects of someone's life because that's all they portray through their Facebook statuses? Being bombarded with pregnancy and engagement announcements as you enter your late 20s? Seeing the "HAVEs" and the "HAVE NOTs"?

We all focus on what we see, but there are lives and arguments and unhappiness and jealousy and all other kinds of emotions and secrets behind the happy family photos or the new car.

And I lose myself in it. 

I compare myself to it.

I seek the attention from others. 

It's sickening and I'm over it. Just yesterday I logged in to find out my cousin was engaged (YAY) and an acquaintance was pregnant (double YAY)...however, all I felt was a pit inside of me. 

I felt sad, even mad. 

And that's when I KNEW for sure, this is what I needed to do.

To keep myself sane, to remind myself to LIVE the life I have, and to notice the many blessings I have in the community all around me. How amazing a child I have, how great a family I have, and what wonderful friends and co-workers I share my own achievements and celebrations with.

There's no need to focus my attention and energy to Facebook.

I love the community, the quick sharing of information, the funny pictures, but right now I need a step back, to work on my own heart and my own struggles.

Maybe I'll actually feel happier. 

Maybe I'll truly appreciate the gifts God has given me.

And maybe I'll come out on the upside with a different perspective.

Here's to hoping!

{I won't be giving up Instagram or Blogger...yet}

Relationship Woes.

Sometimes I wish I could hit myself upside the head with a brick.

Maybe then I'd see the error of my ways.

Hindsight IS 20/20 they say.

So, I know I have what you would call "Daddy Issues". I've seen counselors throughout my life, I've been jealous of friends who were always "Daddy's Little Girl". My sister and I have had knock-down, drag-out arguments over my dad and his actions.

Let's just say there's a strong history of alcoholism, and a not so strong history of good parenting on my dad's side of the family. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows HOW to be a dad. I seriously do. That's probably horrible of me to say, but it's also a semi-coping mechanism. We don't really see eye-to-eye, and we definitely don't have a close relationship. 

My dad's not the kind that calls to check on you.

Or tells you how beautiful you look (in your normal every day clothes)

Or how proud he is of you (for busting your ass as a single mom)

Or who attended all your school functions (totally went to a Jimmy Buffet concert instead of my middle school graduation...yes, I'm still scarred)

Enough about that...this post really shouldn't be about bashing my dad.

It's just, he's not who I've longed for and wanted.

He's not the story book, TV show dad. 

He's my dad, and I'm thankful for him...BUT I've got issues.

Self worth. In the TOILET.

So the latest guy I dated turned out to be a dud. Surprise, surprise.

But I find myself in this whole missing him, wanting him back, knowing it's wrong for me, knowing he'll hurt me, knowing I should be treated better cycle.

I do it all the time.

So if I don't change? I'll keep getting these piss-poor results.

But HOW do you change this habit. 

It's awful. 

I'm pretty sure I just crave the affection from men and seek it.

I pray and pray and pray.

I cry and cry and cry.

I vent to my best friend.

And yet I've still never learned to stop!

I figure maybe if I write out how I'm feeling right now I can get on the path to a healthier relationship and lifestyle. One where I feel like it's serving ME. Where I feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and respected. But I'm pretty sure I've got to stop accepting what I feel is "good enough" and start expecting what is TRUE. REAL. And worth my time.

I'm so frustrated with myself. It's like I go through this cycle of 

YAY he's talking to me and I think this is good

TO

Oh, again. He's dropped off the face of the earth. Or he's using me. Or he's avoiding me.

Here's to happiness in the future!

Here I am...

Here I am Lord

Is it I Lord

I have heard you calling in the night

I will go Lord,

If you lead me

I will hold your people in my heart.

Growing up this was one of my favorite hymns, as an adult I find myself singing it in many situations, or humming it. My grandmother loved it, it's one of the songs we sang at my grandfather's last church service before he retired from active ministry and I just LOVE it.

We sang it before we left on most of our mission trips when I was a teenager as well, our congregation would gather around and sing it together before sending off the workers for a week.  It's memorable to say the least.

I found myself humming and singing it several times in the past week and I just felt like I needed to get this ALL out before I forgot. Because WOW. I have heard you, loud and clear.

So last night as I attended church, I have to admit I was dragging my feet.

Our new sermon series "The Hook-Up Culture" is quite controversial. It has the potential to really get underneath you and stir up those feelings you don't like. It's powerful, challenging, and although I appreciate it and understand it's importance...I was dreading this sermon on "social media".

I'll go ahead and admit it. I have an addiction to Facebook and Instagram. 

Can't stop. Won't stop.

So much so that I've truly considered it being what I "give up" for Lent this year...even though I've never truly practiced that tradition (if that's what you'd call it? belief?)

I digress...

Last night turned out to be so much more than I imagined. Whew. I hope they recorded it but I'm pretty sure they didn't. Our pastor has an amazing heart and I needed to be in that room and hear that sermon.  I'm not sure he followed his "plan" for the service, but man, God took over. I don't know how to explain it but he was IN THERE.

Saturday night service is usually smaller, relaxed, and a little more intimate, but always a little disconnected. There's not that sense of community you see on Sunday morning and I do think it's because most people don't make it their "regular" service (I go every other week due to my work schedule so I'm split between 2 services for my "community")

But last night we got together, and we prayed, and he moved us, and our pastor even cried. We had communion together and it was just beautiful.

What I got out of it? My loneliness can be combatted by joining a small group.

By finding that smaller Christian community of friends that I can talk to openly, to really put my feelings, sins, opinions, etc. out into the air. People who I can trust, people who I care about, who I can pray for and who will pray for me. I've been attempting to join a women's group but with the snow that hasn't happened BUT I'm determined.

I read a Proverbs 31 ministries devotional weeks ago on this same loneliness subject, and I believe we do live in a lonely society full of false friendships due to the ease of online interaction and community. I love the blogging community and instagram, but you also need REAL in LIFE, call and talk to, come give you a hug when you need it (or a bottle of wine) FRIENDS. 

When I got home the story continued.  I got Greyson ready for bed quickly as he wasn't feeling well, and he begged to read his Bible book before bed.

I recently bought him the children's version of "THE STORY" and I've been quite pleased with it! So far, so good :)

Last night? Our chapter was on Ruth and Naomi. 

And how Boaz came into her life. 

Tonight? Our chapter was on Hannah, Eli, and Samuel.

Greyson is named Samuel after my late grandfather...

But boy does that name fit him EVEN more.

I don't know every story in the bible. I grew up attending Sunday School and church weekly, but I didn't retain much from my childhood outside of Daniel in the Lions Den and Jonah in the Whale...and of course the birth of Jesus and his death and resurrection.

This may have something to due to with the many musicals and plays I was a part of growing up in our youth programs...but I wasn't much of a bible reader. 

I find no coincidence in the fact that these things happened in less than 24 hours. 

A God-instance.

I'm so thankful for the path that God has set me on, I'm so thankful for the community I DO have, and I'm so thankful for his LOVE for us!

Untitled (Saturday Night Service)

This post kind of needs a bit of an introduction...

About a year ago, my best friend, sister from another mother, PEA, running partner, and sidekick invited me to the church they'd been attending. I hemmed and hawed about going, as I'd grown up in the same church for most of my 26 years and let's face it, I SUCK at change.

After a bit more prying, I attended a few times. Greyson did well in the child care, and the message was always great.  The pastor lived up to my high expectations, and after growing up hearing your Grandfather preach for 13 years straight every Sunday...that's a hard act to follow.

Well done, Pastor Hancock!

Needless to say, I didn't attend regularly. And I didn't make it a priority either.

See...I was very active in church for most of my life, but once college and early adulthood hit, there wasn't really a "space" for me at MY church.  Either I was too old for the high schoolers, or I was too young for the "adults". Or I had a kid, or didn't have a kid, or I was unmarried...whatever the case may be.  Finding your "place" in church during your early 20s requires effort, and I didn't even give it a chance.

Later into the fall I started attending with Laura more regularly and Greyson actually ASKED to attend church. After my Grandma died, I particularly became more interested in attending church. She's the whole reason I ever even went to church in the first place as a child 

And reading her bible. WOW. That woman. She knew her stuff, and she studied the word, and she had a relationship with God. I started doing daily devotionals hit or miss, including SheReadsTruth. 

Unfortunately I work every other weekend, so at best...I was attending church every other week.

As the days went by I started talking to the guy I was dating more and more, and he attended church regularly which completely blew me away.  At that point it dawned on me that we had a Saturday evening service in addition to 2 Sunday morning services. 

In late October/early November I attended a Saturday night service, and although it was quite empty I enjoyed it. A more intimate worship experience, but still a wonderful message delivered, and great music!  I was thoroughly impressed.

My devotions became a bit more regular and I became more interested in learning.

I remember one conversation with Josh in particular I even confused Daniel and David while we were discussing some scripture. HELLO wake-up call.

I may have attended church regularly.

I may have prayed often.

I may have read my Bible.

I may have been active in church and youth group growing up.

 BUT I DON'T KNOW MUCH.

So part of my New Years Resolution is to complete a daily devotional, read a few books I've been looking into, and just develop a closer relationship with God and strengthen my trust in him.

Tonight I attended Saturday night service.

And it's probably been the most influential and moving sermon I've heard since I started attending. But I definitely heard it LOUD & CLEAR.

We discussed being intentional, purposeful, and having goals. 

Keeping our eyes forward and not letting the past affect our current path and plan.

Pastor Hancock shared a story about when he was my age, and it hit home.

I need to focus. Be intentional. Be purposeful.

Stop focusing on what I DON'T have. And be great at what I am. What I have to offer. 

Yes, I'm single. It's not time to be a wife in His plans.

So I need to be a GREAT mom. Which is something I always strive for and dreamed of being.

I need to be a GREAT nurse. Focus while I'm at work, and continue to better myself in my practice.

I need to be a GREAT friend, daughter, sister. And a GREAT witness.

These are all opportunities I have right now, and I need to seize them.

No more waiting around, It's time for change.

I had to write this. I needed to remember this feeling, this fire ignited in me. And the desire to let go of the past. LET GO. LOOK FORWARD. Stop some things and start others, in order to change.

ALL we have is our time when you truly look at it. In 2014 I'm planning to use mine more wisely. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

2014

My goodness. Another year, another story to write, 52 more weeks...

This year?

I'm done with the dating game. DONE.

So what do I plan on doing? Not becoming a crazy cat lady, that's for damn sure.

2014 Bucket List:

1. Run the Monument 10K

2. Run the PIRATE HALF MARATHON in Nags Head, NC.

3. Run the Richmond 8K again OR the HALF MARATHON...this one depends on my running side kick :)

4. Lose 15 more pounds

5. Read. Read. Read. My goal? 12 books in the year.

Starting off the list with: "A Confident Heart", "Mended", "Made to Crave", "Your Beautiful Purpose", "One Thousand Gifts", "The Purpose Driven Life", "Sparkly Green Earrings"...and I'd really like to participate in "The Story"

6. Join a Small Group at church

7. Enroll Greyson in Gymnastics (done & had our first class...he LOVED IT)

8. Swim Lessons for Greyson

9. Daily Devotionals, alone and with Greyson

10. Spend more time praying, trusting, and believing!

I think that's where I'll start. I intended on going back to school, but it may take some scheduling kinks to be worked out first. Overall, I'm excited about changing my focus, having a clean slate, and starting a NEW YEAR.

Here's to a wonderful 2014 :)