Relationship Woes.

Sometimes I wish I could hit myself upside the head with a brick.

Maybe then I'd see the error of my ways.

Hindsight IS 20/20 they say.

So, I know I have what you would call "Daddy Issues". I've seen counselors throughout my life, I've been jealous of friends who were always "Daddy's Little Girl". My sister and I have had knock-down, drag-out arguments over my dad and his actions.

Let's just say there's a strong history of alcoholism, and a not so strong history of good parenting on my dad's side of the family. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows HOW to be a dad. I seriously do. That's probably horrible of me to say, but it's also a semi-coping mechanism. We don't really see eye-to-eye, and we definitely don't have a close relationship. 

My dad's not the kind that calls to check on you.

Or tells you how beautiful you look (in your normal every day clothes)

Or how proud he is of you (for busting your ass as a single mom)

Or who attended all your school functions (totally went to a Jimmy Buffet concert instead of my middle school graduation...yes, I'm still scarred)

Enough about that...this post really shouldn't be about bashing my dad.

It's just, he's not who I've longed for and wanted.

He's not the story book, TV show dad. 

He's my dad, and I'm thankful for him...BUT I've got issues.

Self worth. In the TOILET.

So the latest guy I dated turned out to be a dud. Surprise, surprise.

But I find myself in this whole missing him, wanting him back, knowing it's wrong for me, knowing he'll hurt me, knowing I should be treated better cycle.

I do it all the time.

So if I don't change? I'll keep getting these piss-poor results.

But HOW do you change this habit. 

It's awful. 

I'm pretty sure I just crave the affection from men and seek it.

I pray and pray and pray.

I cry and cry and cry.

I vent to my best friend.

And yet I've still never learned to stop!

I figure maybe if I write out how I'm feeling right now I can get on the path to a healthier relationship and lifestyle. One where I feel like it's serving ME. Where I feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and respected. But I'm pretty sure I've got to stop accepting what I feel is "good enough" and start expecting what is TRUE. REAL. And worth my time.

I'm so frustrated with myself. It's like I go through this cycle of 

YAY he's talking to me and I think this is good

TO

Oh, again. He's dropped off the face of the earth. Or he's using me. Or he's avoiding me.

Here's to happiness in the future!

Here I am...

Here I am Lord

Is it I Lord

I have heard you calling in the night

I will go Lord,

If you lead me

I will hold your people in my heart.

Growing up this was one of my favorite hymns, as an adult I find myself singing it in many situations, or humming it. My grandmother loved it, it's one of the songs we sang at my grandfather's last church service before he retired from active ministry and I just LOVE it.

We sang it before we left on most of our mission trips when I was a teenager as well, our congregation would gather around and sing it together before sending off the workers for a week.  It's memorable to say the least.

I found myself humming and singing it several times in the past week and I just felt like I needed to get this ALL out before I forgot. Because WOW. I have heard you, loud and clear.

So last night as I attended church, I have to admit I was dragging my feet.

Our new sermon series "The Hook-Up Culture" is quite controversial. It has the potential to really get underneath you and stir up those feelings you don't like. It's powerful, challenging, and although I appreciate it and understand it's importance...I was dreading this sermon on "social media".

I'll go ahead and admit it. I have an addiction to Facebook and Instagram. 

Can't stop. Won't stop.

So much so that I've truly considered it being what I "give up" for Lent this year...even though I've never truly practiced that tradition (if that's what you'd call it? belief?)

I digress...

Last night turned out to be so much more than I imagined. Whew. I hope they recorded it but I'm pretty sure they didn't. Our pastor has an amazing heart and I needed to be in that room and hear that sermon.  I'm not sure he followed his "plan" for the service, but man, God took over. I don't know how to explain it but he was IN THERE.

Saturday night service is usually smaller, relaxed, and a little more intimate, but always a little disconnected. There's not that sense of community you see on Sunday morning and I do think it's because most people don't make it their "regular" service (I go every other week due to my work schedule so I'm split between 2 services for my "community")

But last night we got together, and we prayed, and he moved us, and our pastor even cried. We had communion together and it was just beautiful.

What I got out of it? My loneliness can be combatted by joining a small group.

By finding that smaller Christian community of friends that I can talk to openly, to really put my feelings, sins, opinions, etc. out into the air. People who I can trust, people who I care about, who I can pray for and who will pray for me. I've been attempting to join a women's group but with the snow that hasn't happened BUT I'm determined.

I read a Proverbs 31 ministries devotional weeks ago on this same loneliness subject, and I believe we do live in a lonely society full of false friendships due to the ease of online interaction and community. I love the blogging community and instagram, but you also need REAL in LIFE, call and talk to, come give you a hug when you need it (or a bottle of wine) FRIENDS. 

When I got home the story continued.  I got Greyson ready for bed quickly as he wasn't feeling well, and he begged to read his Bible book before bed.

I recently bought him the children's version of "THE STORY" and I've been quite pleased with it! So far, so good :)

Last night? Our chapter was on Ruth and Naomi. 

And how Boaz came into her life. 

Tonight? Our chapter was on Hannah, Eli, and Samuel.

Greyson is named Samuel after my late grandfather...

But boy does that name fit him EVEN more.

I don't know every story in the bible. I grew up attending Sunday School and church weekly, but I didn't retain much from my childhood outside of Daniel in the Lions Den and Jonah in the Whale...and of course the birth of Jesus and his death and resurrection.

This may have something to due to with the many musicals and plays I was a part of growing up in our youth programs...but I wasn't much of a bible reader. 

I find no coincidence in the fact that these things happened in less than 24 hours. 

A God-instance.

I'm so thankful for the path that God has set me on, I'm so thankful for the community I DO have, and I'm so thankful for his LOVE for us!

Untitled (Saturday Night Service)

This post kind of needs a bit of an introduction...

About a year ago, my best friend, sister from another mother, PEA, running partner, and sidekick invited me to the church they'd been attending. I hemmed and hawed about going, as I'd grown up in the same church for most of my 26 years and let's face it, I SUCK at change.

After a bit more prying, I attended a few times. Greyson did well in the child care, and the message was always great.  The pastor lived up to my high expectations, and after growing up hearing your Grandfather preach for 13 years straight every Sunday...that's a hard act to follow.

Well done, Pastor Hancock!

Needless to say, I didn't attend regularly. And I didn't make it a priority either.

See...I was very active in church for most of my life, but once college and early adulthood hit, there wasn't really a "space" for me at MY church.  Either I was too old for the high schoolers, or I was too young for the "adults". Or I had a kid, or didn't have a kid, or I was unmarried...whatever the case may be.  Finding your "place" in church during your early 20s requires effort, and I didn't even give it a chance.

Later into the fall I started attending with Laura more regularly and Greyson actually ASKED to attend church. After my Grandma died, I particularly became more interested in attending church. She's the whole reason I ever even went to church in the first place as a child 

And reading her bible. WOW. That woman. She knew her stuff, and she studied the word, and she had a relationship with God. I started doing daily devotionals hit or miss, including SheReadsTruth. 

Unfortunately I work every other weekend, so at best...I was attending church every other week.

As the days went by I started talking to the guy I was dating more and more, and he attended church regularly which completely blew me away.  At that point it dawned on me that we had a Saturday evening service in addition to 2 Sunday morning services. 

In late October/early November I attended a Saturday night service, and although it was quite empty I enjoyed it. A more intimate worship experience, but still a wonderful message delivered, and great music!  I was thoroughly impressed.

My devotions became a bit more regular and I became more interested in learning.

I remember one conversation with Josh in particular I even confused Daniel and David while we were discussing some scripture. HELLO wake-up call.

I may have attended church regularly.

I may have prayed often.

I may have read my Bible.

I may have been active in church and youth group growing up.

 BUT I DON'T KNOW MUCH.

So part of my New Years Resolution is to complete a daily devotional, read a few books I've been looking into, and just develop a closer relationship with God and strengthen my trust in him.

Tonight I attended Saturday night service.

And it's probably been the most influential and moving sermon I've heard since I started attending. But I definitely heard it LOUD & CLEAR.

We discussed being intentional, purposeful, and having goals. 

Keeping our eyes forward and not letting the past affect our current path and plan.

Pastor Hancock shared a story about when he was my age, and it hit home.

I need to focus. Be intentional. Be purposeful.

Stop focusing on what I DON'T have. And be great at what I am. What I have to offer. 

Yes, I'm single. It's not time to be a wife in His plans.

So I need to be a GREAT mom. Which is something I always strive for and dreamed of being.

I need to be a GREAT nurse. Focus while I'm at work, and continue to better myself in my practice.

I need to be a GREAT friend, daughter, sister. And a GREAT witness.

These are all opportunities I have right now, and I need to seize them.

No more waiting around, It's time for change.

I had to write this. I needed to remember this feeling, this fire ignited in me. And the desire to let go of the past. LET GO. LOOK FORWARD. Stop some things and start others, in order to change.

ALL we have is our time when you truly look at it. In 2014 I'm planning to use mine more wisely. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

2014

My goodness. Another year, another story to write, 52 more weeks...

This year?

I'm done with the dating game. DONE.

So what do I plan on doing? Not becoming a crazy cat lady, that's for damn sure.

2014 Bucket List:

1. Run the Monument 10K

2. Run the PIRATE HALF MARATHON in Nags Head, NC.

3. Run the Richmond 8K again OR the HALF MARATHON...this one depends on my running side kick :)

4. Lose 15 more pounds

5. Read. Read. Read. My goal? 12 books in the year.

Starting off the list with: "A Confident Heart", "Mended", "Made to Crave", "Your Beautiful Purpose", "One Thousand Gifts", "The Purpose Driven Life", "Sparkly Green Earrings"...and I'd really like to participate in "The Story"

6. Join a Small Group at church

7. Enroll Greyson in Gymnastics (done & had our first class...he LOVED IT)

8. Swim Lessons for Greyson

9. Daily Devotionals, alone and with Greyson

10. Spend more time praying, trusting, and believing!

I think that's where I'll start. I intended on going back to school, but it may take some scheduling kinks to be worked out first. Overall, I'm excited about changing my focus, having a clean slate, and starting a NEW YEAR.

Here's to a wonderful 2014 :)

Unbroken

I've spent most of my single mom days feeling broken, unworthy, less than. 

It's that stigma, that belief that you did something wrong, "baby daddy drama", like having a kid makes you less appealing.

All sorts of wrong up in there, y'all.

I think it all ties into self-worth and self-image. We all carry baggage that affects us, changes us, and shapes us.  The situation with C rocked my world. My plans of the pickett fence, one boy & one girl, a little suburban family VANISHED before my eyes! Even though I damn well know his addiction and decision to leave had nothing to do with me, I didn't believe it. I was down, broken, and in shock...and I stayed that way for the past 2 years.

Through dating this has haunted me. I've date guys who just weren't right. I've accepted less than standard treatment. I've put up with a fair share of bull shit. But that's enough about that!

In the past week or so I've started to believe. Believe that I deserve better. Believe that I'm worth more. Believe that I'm not broken! It's been quite empowering. I spent a lot of time lately reflecting on self worth, both my own and those around me. We don't give ourselves enough credit and we surely don't encourage each other enough. Just because you have a past doesn't mean you deserve the best now. If anything, as a single mom you deserve some praise.

I'm raising a kid on my own. My child that I expected to raise with his father along side. I'm the one who was left behind and instead of feeling broken and left over...I'm changing my outlook!

I'm not broken.

I'm not "less than".

Most of all? I didn't chose to be a single mom and the fact that I am doesn't mean that I'm less appealing to men. Which means I shouldn't sell myself short and settle for being treated poorly...next please! 

It's a new mindset. I'm not broken. I'm ME! 

Dating

get ready to laugh your butt off.
when I said I couldn't make this stuff up I wasn't lying.

Just know? I'm pretty sure I have an invisible tattoo on my forehead which says
"If you're crazy date me"...
It's written in invisible crazy men ink. ;)



So, I didn't even think about dating until probably Spring 2012. I was busy just maintaining, but it's no secret that I've always dreamed of the white pickett fence, cape cod, family life.
I want a husband. I want a family. That's my picture of happiness and sometimes I wonder if I'm a little TOO determined. Anyways...


It dawned on me that I go to work, pick up G at daycare, and go home.
REPEAT.
My weekends off? I spend typically at the farmer's market, maybe church, outside if time allows, and just running errands...this means WHERE DO I MEET SOMEONE?

First date after becoming a single mom?
I went with "easy"
I went out for drinks with a guy that I used to date. Like 5 years or more ago.

Probably not my best idea, but we had fun, had things in common still, and enjoyed each other's company. NOTHING at all came of it. And I got irritated quick...I'm pretty sure I suck at the whole dating just to date thing. I don't multitask well and I'm an all-in kind of girl.

After that went no where I just kind of maintained for a while.
Just the routine of life, and then I got grumpy.
And joined match.com!


Let's just say online dating is the craziest, most aggravating thing in the world.
After weeding through the obvious crazies.
And e-mailing.

And getting over the fact that I'd eventually need to give these strangers my number...
I did it.
I went on my first REAL date!
I ordered filet mignon and he never asked me out again.
We got along fine and actually spoke on the phone several times before meeting, and seemed to hit it off...we texted afterwards but that was it.

Then I met another guy for coffee.

It was awful. He was cute. BUT not funny. And he thought he was.
Not to mention he still lived at home and was unemployed. To say that I'm not picky enough is probably an understatement. I like to give chances...and we'll learn that's also how I get walked all over! LOL


Then, I went to dinner.
And in hindsight, he talked wayyyy too much about his ex-gf. RED FLAG!!!
But we got along and he asked me out again.
And we went to a concert, where he proceeded to be a complete gentleman and I proceeded to make a FOOL of myself.
And he asked me out after that incident! So...sure.
We dated off an on including dinners at each other's houses for a couple of months. It worked for me because I didn't always have to have a sitter. But we hardly ever talked other than via text and while we ate dinner. No real phone calls. It should've told me something but honestly I was DATING to DATE. It was easy, somewhat enjoyable, and someone to eat dinner with that didn't throw half his plate on the floor or just want pb&j.
WIN WIN for this single mom!
Well that one ended abruptly one night after he picked me up from a late night flight and took me to my car. He basically dumped me for his all so popular ex girlfriend who happened to be back at his house...WHERE MY EFFIN CAR WAS!
Jerk.

So, after I picked myself up off the floor after his shenanigans I hit up POF.com after recommendations from a co-worker.
Again, weeded through all the crazies. Or so I thought.
Texted a few.
E-mailed a few.
Even skyped with one.
Then? A first date.
Which ended up being a double date with a couple friend of his.
IF YOU'RE A GUY? NEVER DO THIS! STUPID!
And I should've said no...but who wants to be that b****?!
I should've been. Dinner was fine, but I didn't learn much about the guy.
We texted constantly and he asked me out again, this time wanting to take me out for the day and just chill. We did dinner, a movie, lunch, long walk, ride in the car. Basically a perfect date for me. We listened to the same music, laughed at the same things, and he held my hand...all the time. The perfect gentleman.

I fell head over heels for this dude. We basically spent all of our free time together. He was huge in G's life and we just had the perfect little thing going.
Til he started acting dumb. And weird. AND I let it go.
And kept letting it go. Until I HAD ENOUGH.
At that point? I was pretty sure he was cheating on me, but all of my friends said there was no way...he was too stupid to cheat and actually pull it off.

WRONG.

Dude was cheating on me. Like a lot. Scary. And then he got mad at me when he found out I knew?! Say what?
Yeah, I told you I find the crazies.


Soooo. Since him? A whole lotta nothing.
And I'm getting to the point where I can't quite figure out what's wrong with me.

So every other week or so I throw a pity party for my single self where I remind myself that God has a beautiful plan for my life and I WILL meet Mr. Right. But I gotta be patient, and girls I AM SO NOT GOOD AT THAT!!!


So I've pretty much sworn of online dating. So that leaves me to the mercy of my friends and family and co-workers to hook me up. Or a random meeting...I'm pretty frustrated with that, but this too shall pass, right?


I'll promise to blog any more crazy dating shenanigans.
At least we know they will be entertaining!

SINGLE

single.
I'm sure someone will eventually ask this question. Or is wondering.
I always ask myself why people are single parents, because well...I'm curious.
I've been through some drama, it's always comforting to know I'm not the only one.


I'm going to attempt to make this short and sweet, but just know...it's not that simple!

So, last I left most of you over at Meet In the Middle, Greyson had just turned 1 and I was with my long time boyfriend/fiance, Greyson's dad. We had a house we were living in together and he traveled frequently with work so at the time I was staying home taking care of baby boy. I'm not sure what all I disclosed at the time...but the short version is his dad was using drugs and had been for quite sometime. BUT I HAD NO IDEA.

We went through some crazy times and I tried to help him...and he tried to help himself, but I believe addiction is truly an illness and he was sick.  After spending all of our money on outpatient drug rehab and attempting to bandage a relationship that was falling apart, it took one last episode of withdrawal/high/withdrawal shenanigans going on in my house and I WAS DONE. Things were terrible. And I wasn't going to let my child be around it any longer, it wasn't safe for either of us. So I told him to either quit or leave and he chose to leave.

This was September of 2011. Labor Day weekend to be exact.
He left, took all of his things, and that was that.
I had NO JOB. No money. (he spent every last dime of our joint account)
But we were finally free and I felt a huge weight be lifted...I had no idea what the future would bring for G and I but it had to be better.
I struggled with seeing my "family" fall apart, and what it would look like, why my child would have to grow up without a dad...all of the emotions.
But I knew we had an amazing support system of family and friends and we could do this.

He agreed to pay child support, we met in mediation and settled everything and in no time I heard he had been arrested and put into jail for grand larceny.

Things were crazy, I've still never received child support...but I DID get a job. My amazing saving grace came in the form of a nursing job that I never even thought of doing. And? I LOVE IT.

G was enrolled in daycare and just like that things were moving on. I racked up some credit card debt just trying to feed us and keep the car running, but we did it.

I cried a lot.
I screamed.
I yelled.



His dad has not seen him since October of 2011. I still can't believe it. Some days I wake up and I want to yell and scream at him. He's ridiculous. And my heart breaks because he's only hurting MY baby. I know I have the best gift in the world in this little boy and he loves his mama, but I can't give him what he deserves, a FAMILY with a mommy & daddy.
I have a hard time thinking about how he will grow up, he already asks questions, but I just have plans to be honest and try to answer things as age-appropriately as possible.
Maybe one day his dad will actually be a responsible adult and do what is right, but I'm not holding my breath. I just know that G is surrounded by plenty of people who love him, and he's smart as a whip, healthy, and he's doing great.

Since I became a single mom I've had so many people ask me how I do it. Or tell me that I'm so strong. Or ask me how I balance.

The truth is? I DON'T! I'm not this amazing woman. I'm just doing what I NEED to do.
In my mind? there's no choice in the matter. He's my baby and it's my responsibility to protect him, and I WILL do that!
I thank God each morning that I'm able to provide, that I'm able to get up, that I have the support system I do, and that my son is healthy. Everything is part of God's plan and this is our journey!